The Secret of Monkey Island – Insult Sword Fighting Guide

A guide containing each insult and comeback.

Part I: Duelling with Pirates

After convincing the Captain Smirk on Mêlée Island that you ARE man enough to be trained with the sword, (and paying 30 pieces of eight), he will take you inside and teach you a few basic insults.

Returning to the main map, there will be pirates walking around that you can get into a swordfight with.

No.InsultComeback
1You fight like a dairy farmer.How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
2This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!And I’ve got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?
3I’ve spoken with apes more polite then you.I’m glad to hear you attended your family reunion.
4Soon you’ll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!First you better stop waiving it like a feather-duster.
5People fall at my feet when they see me coming.Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
6I’m not going to take your insolence sitting down!Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
7I once owned a dog that was smarter then you.He must have taught you everything you know.
8Nobody’s ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will.You run THAT fast?
9Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?Why, did you want to borrow one?
10There are no words for how disgusting you are.Yes there are. You just never learned them.
11You make me want to puke.You make me think somebody already did.
12My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!So you got that job as janitor, after all.
13I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!I hope now you’ve learned to stop picking your nose.
14I’ve heard you were a contemptible sneak.Too bad no one’s ever heard of YOU at all.
15You’re no match for my brains, you poor fool.I’d be in real trouble if you ever used them.
16You have the manners of a beggar.I wanted to make sure you’d feel comfortable with me.

Battle as many pirates as you can to learn each of the insults and comebacks above.

Part II: Duelling with the Sword Master of Mêlée Island

When you’ve fought enough people that they start to tell you that “You should fight the Sword Master,” return to town, and go back to the storekeeper. Ask to see the Sword Master and then follow him very closely when he leaves.

Once you arrive at the Sword Master’s house and the shopkeeper is rejected, walk up to her and ask to fight her…

No.Sword Master’s InsultComeback
1I will milk every drop of blood from your body!How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
2I’ve got a long, sharp lesson for you you to learn today.And I’ve got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?
3Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.I’m glad to hear you attended your family reunion.
4My tongue is sharper then any sword.First you better stop waiving it like a feather-duster.
5I usually see people like you passed-out on tavern floors.Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
6You are a pain in the backside, sir!Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
7Only once have I met such a coward!He must have taught you everything you know.
8No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.You run THAT fast?
9I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.Why, did you want to borrow one?
10There are no clever moves that can help you now.Yes there are. You just never learned them.
11If your brother’s like you, better to marry a pig.You make me think somebody already did.
12My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!So you got that job as janitor, after all.
13My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.I hope now you’ve learned to stop picking your nose.
14My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!Too bad no one’s ever heard of YOU at all.
15I’ve got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!I’d be in real trouble if you ever used them.
16Every word you say to me is stupid.I wanted to make sure you’d feel comfortable with me.
Helena Stamatina
About Helena Stamatina 3020 Articles
I love two things in life, games and sports. Although sports were my earliest interest, it was video games that got me completely addicted (in a good way). My first game was Crash Bandicoot (PS1) from the legendary studio Naughty Dog back in 1996. I turned my passion for gaming into a job back in 2019 when I transformed my geek blog (Re-actor) into the gaming website it is today.

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